Conversation at Starbucks this morning...

Lady behind the counter. Good morning.

Me. smiling Good morning!

LBTC. What can I get started for you?

Me. reaching for my wallet I'd like a grandé, wet, one Sweet & Low™, cappuchino.

(For the uninitiated, that's barista-speak, and comes in the order it's written on the cup: size, variation, sweetener, drink.)

LBTC. Wow, you've got it down.

Me. Yeah.

LBTC. So that's a grandé, wet, one Splenda™ ---

Me. smile instantly vaporized No, not Splenda. Sweet & Low. There's a difference.

(For the record, Sweet & Low is a more efficient sweetener than Splenda, which has the same sweetening power of table sugar.)

LBTC. Oh, right, right. grandé, wet, one Sweet & Low, cappuchino.

Me. Right.

LBTC. And what name on the cup?

Me. "Bill."

LBTC. writing "Mister Bill."

Me. actively frowning now NO. Not Mister Bill. Just "Bill."

LBTC. Oh, right. You remember "Saturday Night L---?"

Me. Yes, I remember. Just "Bill."

Strangely, we go through this every goddamn time. With a name like "William Morris", and being forty years old, I've heard every variation there is. EVERY one. "William Morris Agency", "Oh, I just love your tapestries", "Oh, like the tobacco company", "Mr. Bill"...ad nauseum.

A word of advice to all you folks out there. Any human being with a recognizable name past the age of, say, twelve, has heard every clever variation. After age thirty or so, it's not cute or entertaining anymore: it's old, and makes us want to strangle you.

Conversation at Starbucks this morning...

Lady behind the counter. Good morning.

Me. smiling Good morning!

LBTC. What can I get started for you?

Me. reaching for my wallet I'd like a grandé, wet, one Sweet & Low™, cappuchino.

(For the uninitiated, that's barista-speak, and comes in the order it's written on the cup: size, variation, sweetener, drink.)

LBTC. Wow, you've got it down.

Me. Yeah.

LBTC. So that's a grandé, wet, one Splenda™ ---

Me. smile instantly vaporized No, not Splenda. Sweet & Low. There's a difference.

(For the record, Sweet & Low is a more efficient sweetener than Splenda, which has the same sweetening power of table sugar.)

LBTC. Oh, right, right. grandé, wet, one Sweet & Low, cappuchino.

Me. Right.

LBTC. And what name on the cup?

Me. "Bill."

LBTC. writing "Mister Bill."

Me. actively frowning now NO. Not Mister Bill. Just "Bill."

LBTC. Oh, right. You remember "Saturday Night L---?"

Me. Yes, I remember. Just "Bill."

Strangely, we go through this every goddamn time. With a name like "William Morris", and being forty years old, I've heard every variation there is. EVERY one. "William Morris Agency", "Oh, I just love your tapestries", "Oh, like the tobacco company", "Mr. Bill"...ad nauseum.

A word of advice to all you folks out there. Any human being with a recognizable name past the age of, say, twelve, has heard every clever variation. After age thirty or so, it's not cute or entertaining anymore: it's old, and makes us want to strangle you.