Dear <%= customer_name%>,

[mapsedge]

Dear website customer,

There are a few things we need to clarify before we go any further, especially if you want me to continue to do work for you.

One: When you called me, you forfeited the right to whine. When your instructions are vague and you refuse to clarify them, you forfeit the right to be angry when what I produce doesn't match what's in your head. When you say, "I just want it to work", you forfeit the right to complain that I chose the wrong color blue.

Two: you can tell me what you want, or you can tell me what to do. Not both.

Three: Good. Fast. Cheap.

Pick two.

I can do good work fast, but it won't be cheap.

...or I can do good work cheap, but it won't be fast.

...or I'll can do cheap work fast, but it won't be good. You pick.

Lastly, when I give you a deliverable date that's a few days out because I have other clients that I do work for and you say, "Your other clients aren't my problem", remember that when the bills come due and you have to choose between groceries and paying me, your other bills aren't my problem either.

Yours,

Bill

p.s. And have the cajones to not blame all this shit on your wife.

Comments

[ladyniniane.livejournal.com]

When I was still doing systems programming, I had a sign up at one of my client sites that read, "Faster, cheaper, better - pick two..."

It never ceased to amaze me how many times I had to explain the sign to some people - especially middle managers who simply could not understand why we had to take down online systems to implement a new release or upgrade.

"But can't you just let XYZ_5UpdatesPerSecond_Package keep running while you do the backups? And then..."