Conspiracies EVERYWHERE
Aug. 16th, 2006 14:52![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mapsedgeI'm not one for conspiracy theories. I don't as a rule have time for them. But I have formed one over the last few weeks that I simply cannot shake.
I think there's a guy at every Wal*Mart who comes in to work about 1:30 in the morning. He crawls into the shopping cart storage area with a 20oz framing hammer and, working systematically, pounds the shit out of at least one front wheel of every third cart, denting the surface so that you get a rhythmic "whmp - whmp - whmp - whmp" as you push. Any cart not in the storage bay he turns on its side and, using the same hammer, bends the mounting bracket of one of the wheels just enough to ensure that the cart won't track straight.
Now, you could be forgiven for thinking, "That's not a conspiracy, that's just mean." True, but here's where the conspiracy comes in: every new Wal*Mart is being built - and many old Wal*Marts are being retrofitted - with a large entryway paved with rough flagstones. Once inside the doors you might think you're home free, but NOOOO, inside the doors the floor is carpeted with bumpy carpeting.
What this means is that by the time you're on a surface smooth enough to notice how fucked up your cart is, you're so far inside the store that it isn't worth your time to turn back and get another cart.
But where's the motive, Bill? I can hear you thinking. That's easy. People who aren't thinking straight, driven almost completely to distraction by the wobbling/bumping/vibrating/wandering of their carts are too distracted to make wise shopping choices, and statistically are more likely to put heavy (and therefore expensive) items in their carts in the hopes that the cart will stop doing whatever it's doing! Sort of like giving a kid a lollipop to shut him up.
Dust your cart. The fingerprints you find won't just be yours. Proof.
I think there's a guy at every Wal*Mart who comes in to work about 1:30 in the morning. He crawls into the shopping cart storage area with a 20oz framing hammer and, working systematically, pounds the shit out of at least one front wheel of every third cart, denting the surface so that you get a rhythmic "whmp - whmp - whmp - whmp" as you push. Any cart not in the storage bay he turns on its side and, using the same hammer, bends the mounting bracket of one of the wheels just enough to ensure that the cart won't track straight.
Now, you could be forgiven for thinking, "That's not a conspiracy, that's just mean." True, but here's where the conspiracy comes in: every new Wal*Mart is being built - and many old Wal*Marts are being retrofitted - with a large entryway paved with rough flagstones. Once inside the doors you might think you're home free, but NOOOO, inside the doors the floor is carpeted with bumpy carpeting.
What this means is that by the time you're on a surface smooth enough to notice how fucked up your cart is, you're so far inside the store that it isn't worth your time to turn back and get another cart.
But where's the motive, Bill? I can hear you thinking. That's easy. People who aren't thinking straight, driven almost completely to distraction by the wobbling/bumping/vibrating/wandering of their carts are too distracted to make wise shopping choices, and statistically are more likely to put heavy (and therefore expensive) items in their carts in the hopes that the cart will stop doing whatever it's doing! Sort of like giving a kid a lollipop to shut him up.
Dust your cart. The fingerprints you find won't just be yours. Proof.