Locking lug nuts are idiotic

[mapsedge]

This is a story about how I got my nuts off. Hard to do with cold hands and inadequate tools, and eventually I had to get another guy to help me. With his help, it took just a few minutes.

Locking lug nuts are idiotic, and now, as it happens, no longer on my vehicle.

As an idea they're okay I suppose, but in my life at least they created more problems than they solved. If someone wants your wheels or, in our case, genuine Honda plastic hub caps, always a hot item at any flea market, locking lug nuts aren't going to stop them. With the proper tool, they're easily removed.

I just don't happen to have the proper tool. Or the key. We did, at one time. The good, hardworking, and scrupulously honest wheel tech at Sam's Club kept ours when he installed our new tires two years ago, and his good, hardworking and scrupulously honest compatriot at the desk swears there are no extra, un-accounted-for Honda lug keys laying about the service center.

This all started with a flat tire on the van. We re-roofed back in August and I was certain I ran over a nail that we neglected to sweep up. It happens, you know? Saturday morning, I'm driving to the recycling center and the left rear tire goes flat. Okay, I've dealt with this before: get out the spare, the jack, the lug wrench, the key for the lug nuts...

No key. Shit.

I was less than a half mile from home, so I drove home very slowly and pulled up in the yard. I started calling around town to all the parts stores and car repair shops I'm familiar with, asking the same question:

If you lost the key to your locking lug nuts, what would you do?

The answer was pretty uniform, and reeked strongly of CYA: find the key, or get a new one from the dealership.

From the dealership parts department: bring the van up and we'll order a new one. It'll take 7-10 days to get it in.

Wait, you don't keep replacement keys in stock?

Nope. Sorry. Now, we have a master key set and we'll be glad to replace the locking nuts with non-locking versions. It'll only be $6.50/ea.

$6.50, huh?

Yessir. 

Six dollars and fifty center per lug nut. (I'm trying hard, though unsuccessfully, not to let my disbelief come through in my voice.)

Yessir.

Okay, thanks. *click*

First question, though, was how to get the locking lug nuts off the van. There's a tool you can use: a hardened steel socket with threads on the inside that grip the locking nut (which is round and smooth) and twists it off. O'Reilly had a set, two sizes, for not very much money. I bought it, took it home, tried it out.

The Honda lug nuts are the next size down. No one in town carries that size.

I called the dealership service department. If I can someone get the van to you, will you remove the locking lug nuts for me?

Oh sure, we do that all the time. Just come on up any time.

I called our insurance company. I'd forgotten we have roadside assistance. The guy with the tow truck tried to air the tire just for a look-see, but the air leaked out as fast as it went in. Something definitely amiss there. In the end got the van towed to the dealership for no out-of-pocket. Total win there.

The question then become how to get the replacement lug nuts for less than $6.50 each. I visited Autozone. $2.99/ea, but they only had one. I bought it and took my receipt to O'Reilly. $4.50/ea. I asked if they price-match, which they do. So, all four lug nuts in hand for just over $12.

This morning, I arrived at the dealership service department promptly at 8:00, explained that I needed the locking lug nuts removed. Less than twenty minutes later, the lug nuts are removed and I've removed the blown tire and replaced it with the spare. The service guy even loaned me their floor jack so lifting the van was a piece of cake.

I got my nuts off, finally. Today begins the quest for the replacement tire.

The damage to the old tire was substantial: a thumb sized hole in the inner sidewall. Not, therefore, a nail from our roof, or some punk with a switchblade.  Something far bigger blew that hole; I have no idea what. Replacing the tire will be painful on the pocketbook, but:

I'm grateful the blown tire happened so close to home, rather than, say, on the interstate at seventy miles an hour.

I'm grateful that it happened to me, and not Michelle and the kids.

I'm grateful that I was able to find the parts inexpensively.

I'm grateful that the dealership personnel were helpful.