Job Hunting

[mapsedge]

So, here's a dude that can't get a job. After reading his ad, one stops wondering why. Seriously, I'd like to see this guy in an interview.

The link (Craigslist).

The text, for posterity:

Fine, Don't Fucking Hire Me, You Can't Handle My Shit

---

Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST

What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Cover Letter? Here's my fucking cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a dick if I have to...that's right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherfucker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll fucking show you!

OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.

SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com


So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,

Steve Madonna
stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com


remember.....anything.

• Location: Chicago
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 942873935

Comments

[jehosefatz.livejournal.com]

If he had mentioned anything about programming or database administering I'd probably give him a phone screen. I have an appreciation for the coarse usually lacking in hiring managers. His "resume" wouldn't make it past HR though.

- Jeho

[billthetailor.livejournal.com]

I dunno. Coarse language aside, there's nothing there that convinces me he actually capable of anything besides coarse language. Whole lotta arrogance wrapped up in that one...maybe that's why it grates. Takes one to know one, and all that.

[jehosefatz.livejournal.com]

I would be pickier if I had had better luck convincing my friends to come out this way when I had jobs to offer. :(

Besides I've always wanted to meet the inventor of the moon ... and the blowjob machine. Who knew they were one and the same?

- Jeho

[joegoda.livejournal.com]

He's in Chicago. That makes sense.

[nottygypsy.livejournal.com]

What, no one has snapped this gem up? Unbelievable.

[purpledumbass.livejournal.com]

He's 20 years old, so he's one of those punk kids that thinks the world OWES him something like a job. (See the Atlantis reference above for his age.)

[billthetailor.livejournal.com]

I was so wrapped up in the imagery that I totally missed the math. Good catch.

Yeah, punk is right. It amazes me, the older I get, the dumber 20-year-olds sound.

[purpledumbass.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, punk is right. It amazes me, the older I get, the dumber 20-year-olds sound."

It just struck me very close to home, considering that my daughter is 19 years old. Very close to her attitude some days, too...

[billthetailor.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I wasn't any different at that age (I don't clearly remember), though I also know I wasn't the asshole about it that this clown is. Being a prick - not just the whiny, pseudo-imaginative little wee-wee Mr. Chicago is, above - takes dedication and practice, and I get the opportunity every day.

[eacole72.livejournal.com]

I graduated from college & got married at about that point in life, and I was well aware the world owed me absolutely nothing. I have a Mark Twain quote on that score around here ... "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

I'm convinced that there is an entire generation in the process of getting their collective asses kicked by the world. If the ones that Ray tells me about that he's had to deal with are any indication, I don't dare ever retire, because there won't be people who could do my job without their parents sitting in the office holding their hands as they attempt it. And don't get me started on the nursing students that age. *shudder*

[brotherwilliam.livejournal.com]

needs to be watched for postal and somebody medicate him...

bw

sniff

[iarraidh.livejournal.com]

Isn't it sad when cousins marry?

so sad

[glesyn.livejournal.com]

"When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind"


That line takes the cake.

This is hysterical.