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The red tights.
The following story might be fiction. Of course, the names have been changed. Or just left off altogether.
It was an interesting journey, starting the day I first got the email from "S".
He'd ordered from us once before, that order preceded by a dozen emails, each one written in uppercase letters and absent of punctuation, and each one asking a single question easily answered by a simple reading of the website. Each time, I replied with a brief answer and a link to the page on the website with the details. That page was the "Tights" page. Every time.
WHAT COLORS CAN I GET IS BLACK OKAY OR DOES IT COST MORE
WHAT MEASUREMENTS DO YOU NEED
CAN I MEASURE MYSELF
And so on, for about a week. When he did finally order, he sent his order in an email. I - once again - sent him to the website.
He ordered our smallest adult size, waist about 30", inseam about 28". He's a little guy. I'm guessing 5'-8" or so, 140 pounds tops.
We get customers like this from time to time. Ordering online is a big deal to them, apparently, and they like a human touch. I treated him like I treat them all: as long as they're polite and respectful (most of them are), I'll email with them all year if needed. I sent his tights with a relieved sigh, figuring that was the end of it. After that much work, it usually is.
Then he ordered again.
I knew it was coming. I felt it like the approach of a thunderstorm. An increase in pressure, a slight headache, the feeling that, given the right circumstances, hail the size of pomeranians is going to smash the roof of your car into the back seat. The clouds gather on the horizon and you can see the writing in the sky, "We can see your house from here."
His email arrived late at night, written in all lowercase letters as if the CAPS LOCK key on his - probably - borrowed laptop had been stolen.
i was wondering, he wrote, the absence of capital letters probably giving him a migaine, if you could make my next pair with a larger codpiece.
5'-8", weighing in at no more than 10 stone. How much I weighed in college, and two inches shorter. Wanting a larger codpiece. Speaking as a tailor, men don't vary much size-wise, so there is only one codpiece pattern for all sizes (except for very large sizes, and then we only make it taller so the ties will reach). With exceptions, of course, one set of penis and testicles is pretty much like any other, regardless of the comparative heights and weights of different men. We had, apparently, reached an exception.
Now, I wrote back, is the point where our communications get a little delicate.
I sat and considered very carefully my next sentence.
Do you want the larger codpiece for modesty, or because...
I tapped my keyboard in a light rhythm, hoping for the right metaphor. Inspiration struck, or more accurately, fired.
...or because you're packing a .44 magnum long barrel into a .38 holster?
When his answer arrived, it was concise and straight to the point:
It was an interesting journey, starting the day I first got the email from "S".
He'd ordered from us once before, that order preceded by a dozen emails, each one written in uppercase letters and absent of punctuation, and each one asking a single question easily answered by a simple reading of the website. Each time, I replied with a brief answer and a link to the page on the website with the details. That page was the "Tights" page. Every time.
WHAT COLORS CAN I GET IS BLACK OKAY OR DOES IT COST MORE
WHAT MEASUREMENTS DO YOU NEED
CAN I MEASURE MYSELF
And so on, for about a week. When he did finally order, he sent his order in an email. I - once again - sent him to the website.
He ordered our smallest adult size, waist about 30", inseam about 28". He's a little guy. I'm guessing 5'-8" or so, 140 pounds tops.
We get customers like this from time to time. Ordering online is a big deal to them, apparently, and they like a human touch. I treated him like I treat them all: as long as they're polite and respectful (most of them are), I'll email with them all year if needed. I sent his tights with a relieved sigh, figuring that was the end of it. After that much work, it usually is.
Then he ordered again.
I knew it was coming. I felt it like the approach of a thunderstorm. An increase in pressure, a slight headache, the feeling that, given the right circumstances, hail the size of pomeranians is going to smash the roof of your car into the back seat. The clouds gather on the horizon and you can see the writing in the sky, "We can see your house from here."
His email arrived late at night, written in all lowercase letters as if the CAPS LOCK key on his - probably - borrowed laptop had been stolen.
i was wondering, he wrote, the absence of capital letters probably giving him a migaine, if you could make my next pair with a larger codpiece.
5'-8", weighing in at no more than 10 stone. How much I weighed in college, and two inches shorter. Wanting a larger codpiece. Speaking as a tailor, men don't vary much size-wise, so there is only one codpiece pattern for all sizes (except for very large sizes, and then we only make it taller so the ties will reach). With exceptions, of course, one set of penis and testicles is pretty much like any other, regardless of the comparative heights and weights of different men. We had, apparently, reached an exception.
Now, I wrote back, is the point where our communications get a little delicate.
I sat and considered very carefully my next sentence.
Do you want the larger codpiece for modesty, or because...
I tapped my keyboard in a light rhythm, hoping for the right metaphor. Inspiration struck, or more accurately, fired.
...or because you're packing a .44 magnum long barrel into a .38 holster?
When his answer arrived, it was concise and straight to the point:
I don't want it for modesty.
His order arrived in our shopping cart about an hour later, with a rather narrow window of a shipping date - after date X and before date Y, but USPS is usually reliable so I'm not too worried about that. We had a week before they were due.
I cut them right away. Michelle dyed them the next day. That was about a week ago. I assembled them tonight. I did indeed make the codpiece bigger, hopefully in the right way. Being a guy myself I have a pretty good idea where to make the adjustments.
In a departure from our normal procedure, I'm not going to email him after a week and ask for pictures.
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I think you mean "Tripod".
This made me laugh so hard that tears rolled down my face. I hope he is incredibly happy with his order (I'm sure he will be), and everyone else is as well.
(And I hope he sends you pics anyway.)
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"...or because you're packing a .44 magnum long barrel into a .38 holster?
Fabulous! I would be afraid to see pictures...
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Chicken. :-)
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Sure, the bit about the magnum was funny
Comedy gold, man, comedy gold.
Re: Sure, the bit about the magnum was funny
I even thought of a better line this morning:
Too late now, though.
Hail like a load of flash-frozen pomeranians
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