mapsedge: Me at Stone Bridge Coffee House (music at the coffee shop 2)
[personal profile] mapsedge
It took me about twenty-four hours, but I finally got a pet project finished for the DayJob.

Anytime you finance a vehicle, there's about a dozen forms that have to be filled out, right? Since all that information is already in our system, we have a PDF of each form and the system fills them out automatically.

The pet project is an interface that allows us to map recordset data onto a PDF form by clicking and dragging and then saving the new file. Before you could click and drag and it would give you the x/y coords, but you had to copy and paste them into the file yourself. Now it's all automatic. Probably the most useful interface I've ever designed, and I'm pretty happy. It will save oodles of time, where "oodles" is any number greater than zero and less than infinity. It's a fairly large number, I'm thinking. Using it, I was able to make adjustments on a 50 point form in just about half an hour. It would have taken at least two hours the old way.

Go me.

Other than that, I'm sorry to say, today wasn't a good day.I don't often feel handicapped by the Aspie part of my nature, and Michelle usually takes it in stride when it becomes an issue, but today she let it show how she felt (and how I believe she actually feels, the longer we're together) and I DID feel handicapped, inadequate, set apart, I don't know. I tried to talk about it and couldn't find the right words then, either. In talking it out, or trying to, it just reinforced the feelings from earlier.

Something important to realize about me is that I interact with people according to a mental database of "appropriate responses": input (eye contact, 3/4 open posture, hand extended toward my waist, social context, other cues) = output: that's an invitation for a hug -or- the person wants to control my movement, e.g. this way, sir.

You may say, everyone has that same database, and that's true. We learn early on how to get along in the world. The difference is that you're not aware of it when you do it, it just happens, natural as breathing. For me, and other neuro-non-typicals, it's a process, sometimes a conscious process, that I go through in just about every interaction, even with my own family. Even with my wife, though less often.

You're also capable of looking at cues and interpreting them based on context. If someone turns away from you mid-sentence, your mind immediately (and without effort or awareness) starts looking for clues that let you read intent, the reason that person turned their back on you. Unless it's blindingly obvious - a loud noise distracted them, for instance - closing the body by turning away means rejection of some sort.

I'll probably add this to the blog, or to the book if I ever have time to write one. She said, "Here's a quote," and then read it to me. It was a few sentences that boiled down to someone calling someone else a "breath of fresh air." She read it to me with no context, no explanation, no reason for sharing it, just "Here's a quote." I had no point of reference from which to react or respond, so I didn't.

It's like not getting a joke: you smile and nod and hope there's an explanation forthcoming. To her, it didn't need one, its reason for being read was self-evident.

I needed to know why she brought it to my attention, to know what she was trying to communicate. Was she using it to illustrate how she was feeling about me at that moment? Was she wanting to draw a parallel between our relationship and those other people? Did she just like the poetry of it and want to share? I finally had to say, "I understand what you read, but not why."

Well, that pissed her off. I'm supposed to know. How could I not understand? "Oh it's the aspergers, how could I forget? I just thought you'd get it." Now, these things have been said before, we both acknowledge the limitation and sometimes find great humor in it, but tonight there was an unkind edge to what she said, and her body language (she turned away as she spoke; remember me talking about that, above?) filled in the rest.

So, a rough day.

Tomorrow will be better. Friday, right?
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