Sep. 4th, 2016

mapsedge: Me at Stone Bridge Coffee House (music at the coffee shop 2)

I haven't picked up a guitar since April. The Taylor has been sitting in its case in the basement since the Sunflower Feis, and I've had no desire to pick it up.

I made the decision about a year ago to not pursue gigs anymore. The rejection by Scarlett Town (probably more by Eddie Edwards, specifically) was exactly the right decision for all parties, I wasn't a good fit, but still stung all the same. Looking back, it was kind of the last straw, and made me examine more closely who I am.

I was invited once by the Irish Center to perform for WinterFest; once by the Wyandotte County Fair; once by the Kansas City Irish Fest; once by my kids' own dance school. Each time the folks in charge praised my performance, "Where's this guy been?", "Why haven't we heard of him before?" "We need to put him on a better stage next year!"

...but not one, NOT ONE, ever invited me back.

So I guess I wasn't that good. Between Michelle's health and my jobs, I don't have the bandwidth to market myself, and I know that's a factor, but right or wrong I have this general idea that if something is important or desired, it will be sought out. Michelle will ask me, "Why did you throw [that] away?" and I'll reply, "Because [it]'s been sitting in that spot where it doesn't belong, in the way, for two weeks. If it was important, someone would have claimed it by now."

I've been in this corner for fucking years, time to throw it away.

Anyway, that's where I am.

I found myself at Irish Fest Friday night with the kids, who were dancing with their school. Hooray. I had some time to kill before they went on stage, so I went wandering. I didn't wander long. I pretty quickly found a bench in the shade (in front of some trash bins; not inappropriate) and just sat and waited. I was suprised how much it stung to be there without a performer's wristband.

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